Forgive me, for I have sinned.
I have neglected my precious blog and those of you who read. My bad.
Now that I’ve repented for my blogging sins, I’m sure y’all are dying to know the updates on my love life, right?
Alright, here goes.
After dealing with Harrison and crazy Nick, I decided to take some time off from searching for boys on Bumble/Hinge/Tinder and let the boys come to me. Like moths to a flame kinda thing, ya know?
And just like that, this flame attracted Derek, a 28-year-old Philosophy PhD candidate at a local university.
We met at an Eastside bar where all the hipsters and ratchets hang out. I did my typical “drunk wink from afar and hope they notice me” and just like a moth to a flame (you tired of this metaphor yet?), he headed my way.
“Hey, how ridiculous is this bachelorette party going on right now?” GREAT pickup line, Derek.
“Hahaha, I actually think it’s kinda cute!” Which I did think it was cute because I love weddings and all the parties that go along with them.
Derek didn’t look super convinced that the bachelorette party was cute, so I asked him to dance to take his mind off things. Now, Derek was a SWG (skinny white guy) so dancing isn’t quite his strongest suit, but he made a valiant effort.
After two songs of awkward gyrating (I’m not exaggerating, this kid was an awful dancer), Derek decided to head to another bar. “Hey, me and my buddies are gonna head down to Church. Uh, can I get your number?”
Obvi drunk me acquiesced with “Sure! I’ll put it in your phone.”
Derek reached in his pocket and pulled out……………………………………………………………
a bootleg Blackberry.
Drunk me: “…you don’t have a smartphone?!”
Derek: “No, I have a dumb phone. I’ll call you.”
And sure enough he did. For our first real date he suggested we meet up for drinks near my alma mater. I honestly couldn’t remember what he looked like but when a SWG walked in the door I figured it was him (can you tell I have a type?).
We talked about normal date things until he brought up the bachelorette party. “I don’t get why people get married young.” Because they love each other, duh.
“Think about it: you spend all this money on a wedding for people you don’t care that much about for a marriage that may or may not last.” Well damn, tell me how you really feel.
As someone who has quite a few married friends, I felt it necessary to stick up for them. Mostly to play Devil’s Advocate, tbh. “Well, a lot of my friends are married, so I guess when you have someone you really love it makes sense.” “Ugh, don’t tell me that! That freaks me out.” Chill, bro, I’m not asking you to marry me.
When it was time to go home, I offered him a ride to the nearest bus stop. “It’s okay, I’ll just call a Lyft from here.” I found it kinda weird that he could order a Lyft with no smartphone, but I left it alone.
Our second date came a week later. We decided on tacos followed by a walk in the park. Cute, right?
Except ol’ boy was 25 minutes late. Now folks, date tardiness is my pet peeve. Don’t make me waste my time waiting on you. But I digress. After being “stuck in traffic” for 25 minutes, he finally arrived. Again, date conversation was pretty normal until he starting getting super philosophical on me. “New Year’s Eve is the worst holiday ever. There’s so much build-up to midnight and it never lives up to the hype. It’s just another reminder that a year has passed by and another reminder of all the things people didn’t get to accomplish in that year.” NYE is my favorite holiday. Just putting that out there.
After we finished our tacos, it was time for our walk in the park (mainly so I could sober up from the v. strong margarita I downed).
I tried to get to know him a little better by asking a very important question: “So why don’t you have a smartphone?”
“Well, my last iPhone broke and I had this as a backup. Now iPhones are way too expensive and there’s too much of a cult following, so I’ll just keep this one. This thing is almost indestructible.” Yeah, because it’s old as shit.
Another important question: “So do you drive?
“No, I just Uber everywhere or take public transit.” I honestly don’t remember the rest of our conversation because I was too fixed on trying to figure out how he uses Uber and Lyft without a smartphone.
Later that night, I gave my friends a play-by-play of our date and shared the puzzling mystery with them. My friend Monica jokingly said, “He’s probably a drug dealer with two phones. One for the plug and one for the load.”
And then it all made sense. His whole “I don’t believe in the cult following of iPhones” cover was total bullshit. He definitely has another phone for his downlow activities and Ubering. I see right through your shit.
The next day I texted him and thanked him for the date, wished him a good week, blah blah blah.
“Hey, yeah no worries. I’m sorry but I don’t think I’m going to pursue this any further.”
My exact words: “LOL same, good luck!”
A few weeks later I woke up to a 2 am drunk text from him: “Hey, you out?”
Why, so you can turn me into your trap queen? No thanks, Derek the Drug Dealer.
I thought that would be the last I saw or heard from him until I matched with him on Tinder three weeks later. Now, how the HELL could he have a Tinder profile with that dinky-ass dumb phone of his?
What a scammer.